Reviewed by Nicole Reddy.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Directed by Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing, The Mummy).

This is your classic story about good vs. evil, recklessly saving the world at the expense of Parisian civilians, silent vows to avenge a murder, never giving up and love conquering all. It features a few holes in the storyline, caricatures and two-dimensional characters – but if action is what you’re after, then action is what G.I. Joe will bring.

It’s jammed packed with suspense as the plot thickens, the clock ticks, and little nanomites (evil nano-sized robots) rage destruction on the world as the Joes (as they like to refer to themselves) try their utmost hardest to save the world from the terror the Evil Masterminds plan to unleash.

U.S. Army soldiers, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Waylans), are delivering nanotechnology-based warheads capable of destroying entire cities to NATO when they are ambushed en route by the Buy Guys. They are the only survivors and are rescued by the G.I. Joe Alpha team. Refusing to relinquish his mission over to a division he’d never heard of, Duke and Ripcord are then taken to the G.I. Joe command centre. Here, they convince General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) to allow them to join his group when Duke reveals that he knows one of his attackers, the Baroness. She is revealed to have been his ex-wife, Anna Lewis.

Predictably, in true action screenplay structure, there is an ongoing struggle for possession of the warheads between the Joes and the Bad Guys. The Bad Guys get the warheads, the good guys chase them, the bad guys cause widespread panic and destruction and the good guys are constantly trying to play catch-up and cause a little of their own widespread panic and destruction.

Twice, members of the Joes are arrested whilst on a mission merely because there has been a misunderstanding about what it is they actually do. If I were the French and a bunch of blokes in “accelerator suits” ripped through my streets and jumped on a pile of my cars, cafes – oh, and jumped impossibly THROUGH a train and survived – I’d want them arrested too.

Personally, I found the movie to be on the ridiculous side. There were plot-holes that I couldn’t rationalise – such as, why on earth the presumably dead soldier from Duke’s past suddenly turned so evil. Or how the Joes managed to cover up the millions of dollars worth of damage they caused in their missions. Or why the entire movie title “Rise of the Cobra” was based on a two minute scene in which it was demonstrated how nanomites could expel even venom from a cobra bite from the mindless zombies that were created when they encountered a human. And two minutes is a generous estimation.

Ripcord is the most amusing of the Joes, but his witty one liner’s are an unsuccessful attempt to imitate the likes of Chris Tucker in Rush Hour. He sexualises Scarlett, the pretty but highly intelligent, analytical and focused member of the Alpha team – but eventually wins her over by being simply nice to her.

Snake Eye’s avengement is unsatisfactory because the script fails to allow him to speak even when the reason for his silent vow is now dealt with, and it rings rather like a scene out of Star Wars. Sans speech.

Duke is the one of the few characters that seem to have been given any real depth. He is loyal to his friends, ponders what turned Anna so evil and continually hesitates to hurt her despite all her actions towards him whilst beating himself up for being unable to prevent the unavoidable death of her little brother during a mission four years prior. And yet, by the end, she saves him, he saves her, they work together and effectively help save everyone. And even though Duke determines that her evil actions were not herself, we see that Anna must still suffer imprisonment for a time and is weighed by the consequences of those actions.

The Joes get along, trust each other, persevere and put themselves at risk to save the majority. The film also promotes such messages as never giving up and getting back up again when you’re knocked down. It’s also reassuring that, in spite of all the violence and technology, its Anna’s love for Duke that override the nanomites in her brain, the good guys win and the bad guys are very satisfactorily put in high security prison.

On the other hand, it seems that the good guys don’t care how many other good people they may have to endanger to get the job done. It seems rather counterintuitive that in a mission to save the world, Duke and Ripcord are heedless of the carnage they are leaving behind as they try to stop the Baroness from unleashing nanomites on the Eiffel tower. The violence is disturbing, constant and extreme. There are scenes involving nanomites eating human flesh that turn the stomach.

Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes almost beat each other senseless as children during flashbacks, the former pulling out even a butcher knife as a punishment for Snake Eyes the beggar who stole a little food from the kitchen. It is also implied that Storm Shadow murdered their master when they were little older than 10.

For an action movie, there is less sexual content than expected. No sex scenes at all, although there is some sexualised violence and the women are presented in sultry clothing. There is moderate profanity – but really, I’m quite amazed they pulled the entire movie off without the f--- word. Maybe you can save the world without swearing every two minutes?
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I eagerly await Lego: The Return of the Red Brick.