Article by Cameron Spink

An article in today’s Age, by Samantha Brett, asks the question as to whether soul mates actually exist? Whether "the one" is just around the corner? This is a remarkable view for a secular approach. If, indeed, we are just particles and chance plays the predominant role in our evolution then soul mates cannot exist as, from this worldview, there is no real argument for love.

While atheism does not ascribe to such a concept as each individual person having "the one" completely compatible person for them, this wide-spread belief that the right person does exist conforms to a person’s innate fear that they will be alone at the end of their lives. This fear transcends all supposed logic and science that intelligent people, who debunk the idea of a deity, have no qualms believing in. It can only be wishful thinking that there would be a harmonically-matched partner out there and, what’s more, the world would provide them with such a system to meet that person.

However, this view is not just secularised and is as much a Christian phenomenon as it is universal. Perhaps there are more arguments for it from a Christian worldview. After all, God has pre-destined us; He knows all the hairs on our heads. Surely finding the perfect mate for me is doing God a favour by giving Him a break from overseeing things like wars and natural disasters?

The idea of a soul mate is mentioned indirectly in the Bible. In Mark 10:7-9 Jesus commands a man to "leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate". It is clear from reading this; the soul mate is analogous to this concept of “one flesh” which only exists in marriage.

Unfortunately Christians forget this and create their own mental checklists for a spouse. This causes situations like this one mentioned on the Boundless website, where a woman accidentally stumbles into a date with a Christian male who she is not interested in. Now, frankly, in this general situation both parties have the wrong perspectives and I will deal with both in turn.

Firstly, the woman’s perspective. In these circumstances, the woman chooses to let the guy down because she is a believer in “the spark”, which she believes does not exist in this relationship. Now it is always important to exercise significant discretion when attempting to find a spouse, as invariably that person will end up being a lifelong partner, or merely just the person who takes 50% of your assets (however from a Christian perspective we shall not consider divorce). For most people they have several spousal considerations usually including “the spark”.

Now there are three issues with “the spark”:

1. Like the modern concept of soul mates it has no biblical grounding.

2. There is no single way to define spark. Spark means different things to different people. Usually it has a physical attractive element but can vary from similar interests to senses of humour and any other characteristic. So one person can believe there is a spark while the other doesn’t. Who prevails? Usually the one who doesn’t believe there is a spark (unless they are desperate and date anyway).

3. It distracts from more important considerations. Too many people, Christians and secularists alike, end up in loveless or abusive relationships because at first instance there was a spark. Instead of taking the time to ponder more meaningful qualities they go for something that cannot be quantified.

Bear in mind that men too have to resist thinking in this way.

The other position is that of the single man. The greatest plight facing the single man is contentment. It is what drives him to act a certain way, to get a certain job. It is why in the recent AskMen survey the idea of marriage is imbedded into a man’s image and self-worth. However, Christian males really struggle with contentment because they are not able to fill their lives with other secular pursuits and are perceived as the “nice guy” that always gets trampled.

There are two issues here:

1. The man’s own perception of himself. A man’s self-worth is heavily influenced by the world around him. The question on every man’s mind is: "Am I good enough?" To be rejected by a woman whom he likes is a crushing blow. To be seen as weak demoralises him.

2. The man’s identity in Christ. By allowing the world to influence his opinion on where contentment is found he forgets that he has been "bought with a price" (1 Cor 6:20) and contentment is found in God.

So what is the solution to both of these perspectives? From the female’s position one must disregard the idea of "romance" shown in movies. This creates surreal perceptions that cannot be lived up to by any man. Furthermore, by waiting for the "right guy" you are passing over a lot legitimate potential partners. Sometimes God speaks clearly and swiftly and sometimes He waits. Either way it is better not to second-guess Him. Instead throw out your own list of the qualities that you want and turn to 1 Corinthians 13.

From the male’s position the challenge is how to find contentment in God. While most Christian men say they want to do this, it doesn’t exactly translate in a practical aspect. There is no "Idiot’s Guide to Finding Contentment in God". However, in regards to singleness all men must learn to accept this as the status God has given them in. Not a position of punishment but one that can be utilised. The apostle Paul was single and declares that he wished all were like him. There is so much a man can achieve that does not require, or may be hindered by, a partner. For many men the lack of partner is the biggest inhibitor in their relationship with God.

Instead of seeing a Christian woman as a potential partner a man should observe her as a fellow sister in Christ. Women, instead of disregarding a man because of your checklist turn to those qualities God values. In everything a partner should not suit your needs; it should match God’s plans!